In the Duxing Bar, the lights are bright and feasting, and the neon lights flashing on the ceiling reflect the wine in the goblet on the table in front of me, slowly changing color with the neon lights. The bar is very lively. This is where I often come in Shanghai. A place with good songs and lively people can fill the vacancy in my heart, so why not?
I raised my glass and drank it all. The intensity of the liquor burned in my throat, just like the youth I had lost. I always thought that youth would never end, but people can't deceive themselves. Admit the truth.
Yu Qing, who was sitting next to me, poured me a drink and said to me: "Xiang Yang, tell me, people are always working hard to climb forward, why do they get married when they reach the age of marriage? Do you want to stop moving forward and live a peaceful life? "
I took a sip of the wine in the glass, my face turned red and I was silent for a while, looking at the wine in the glass that was shaking slightly and changing color. Drinking wine, he said: "It's so bitter. Are you even going to get married?"
I know what Yu Qing means by saying this. He and I both graduated from the same university and came here together. Working in a strange city, because of his outstanding abilities, he was just promoted to team leader in the company not long ago, and I am still an ordinary clerk, but this is what he has been working for in the company for a year and a half. Hard work, I don't have any problem with this, but I always make him worry, because he knows about that matter.
I broke up two years ago, and my life has been in a state of decline. I have gone from taking practical actions for the ideals in my dreams to now being an idealist who is just living my life. I fantasize about anything every day and my work status is not good. It’s normal to be online. On the other hand, Yu Qing is preparing to get married with his college girlfriend. This is a very happy thing, but I don’t know if this is a naked irony, mocking my half-way journey. But I don’t think it’s the end of love. He doesn’t have to ridicule me at all. It’s a good thing to get to the end, but there are also many external factors that are uncontrollable. Free love is such a bastard.
He nodded, and I fell silent. I lowered my head and took out the cigarette case from my pocket. I took one out and held it in my mouth with ease. Then I took out one and handed it to him. He waved his hand and thanked me. Rejected.
I smiled bitterly: "You don't even smoke anymore?"
"Cheng Cheng won't let you smoke."
"It's your uncle's fault, who cares about her?" Well, now that you are out there, you have to follow the crowd and give me a whip. If you refuse, I will not recognize you as a brother. Brothers are like brothers and sisters, and women are like clothes. Do you understand?"
I said angrily, And I complained in my heart about Cheng Cheng, who actually destroyed my brother Yu Qing like this. Cheng Cheng was the best friend of my college girlfriend Gu Wei, and it was because of her presence that Gu Wei and I had a four-year love story. , and then I introduced her to Yu Qing, who was in the same dormitory as me. In this way, the four of us became good friends and lovers.
Yu Qing took the cigarette I handed him and put it in his earI put it on my cup, then raised my glass and took a sip. I didn’t say anything more, because people always change. On the road of change, some things cannot be saved, touched, or negotiated. The only thing left to you is Endless thoughts and pain.
I looked at the wine glass, shook it gently, and looked at Yu Qing out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be more mature, without the passion and youth he had in college. The only thing left was , I only have expectations for life. After leaving society, that’s it. Yu Qing has changed, what should I do? He keeps moving forward, but I always stop where I am, because I don’t want to lose anything, I want to retain, I want to touch, and I want to negotiate, but time waits for no one, even if I stop, those who were originally Things that belong to me will still pass away like running water and never return.
People look at the mountains, fish look at the lotus. Perhaps what they really want has been lost long ago. It’s just that people don’t want to admit it and deceive themselves. All of these are woven one by one. It is a lie, but when the lie becomes true, some people will still miss you even if they are standing in front of you.
I lit up the cigarette, took a deep puff, and enjoyed the comfortable feeling of the cigarette filling my lungs. It could temporarily make me forget the discomfort of life, free me, and allow me to be happy. In this noisy world, find a corner and stay quietly.
I looked at the rose-colored wine and suddenly thought of Gu Wei. My eyes were moist. Four years ago in college, I thought I could go to the end with Gu Wei. In the past four years, we We talked about almost everything and often walked together. Gu Wei was one of the most beautiful women in the university at that time. Therefore, I was "attacked" by many love rivals, but I stood in front of Gu Wei and blocked her. All the gossip.
We have loved, gone crazy, been wild, and even slept together. I was so chic and strong at that time, but look at me now. I am not crushed by life, but I am bound by emotions. Two years ago, I took her to elope from Beijing to Shanghai, and she endured hardships with me. , she lives with me and doesn’t dislike me at all. Her family is rich. She has never suffered hardship since she was a child, but she has the quality of being hardworking and hardworking. Think about it, a person is beautiful and has the qualities of a good wife. This Where in the world can you find one that is exactly the same?
But the good times didn’t last long. Her family came over and took her away. I couldn’t keep her. Poor people pay attention to living a good life, while rich people pay attention to being well-matched. I’m sorry. I heard that she was forced to get married and went abroad. I didn't know when she would come back, so I stayed in Shanghai, in this city where she was once full of hardships and happiness, waiting, I waited for her, I waited Waiting for her to come back.
Maybe you say that I am infatuated, but as a man, if I failed to keep her from leaving, failed to give her the happiness she expected, and left her without saying goodbye, then this cannot be considered a man's responsibility. Standard guidelines, but as a man, although I failed to give her happiness, I once tried to keep her from leaving,We have planned our ideal happiness together and worked hard for it. I have given her warmth in the troughs and accompanied her through the four years of youth. I love her very much and miss her very much, and I also miss her. I know if she is happy at this moment.
This may be my self-comfort. Maybe I am one of those people who deceives myself. Maybe Gu Wei has already had happiness and a family abroad and has forgotten me long ago, but I still want to immerse myself in it. In the lies I weave, comfort my wounded heart.
Yu Qing noticed my daze, pushed me and said, "Xiang Yang, why are you dazed? Tell me about it?"
I came back to my senses. , put on an expression of chasing people away, "Go, go, what are you doing here? Or do you want to compete with me in drinking? If you want, then follow the same rules, whoever gets down first will have a grandson."
Yu Qing smiled, picked up the wine glass and offered me a drink. Only then did I realize that the cigarette in my mouth had been smoked long ago. I took off the cigarette butt, threw it away casually, picked up the wine glass, and drank with Yu Qing. Clink glasses and drink deeply.
I suddenly remembered something, turned to look at Yu Qing, stretched out my hand, and said jokingly: "You kid, should you give something to your father and me?"
Yu Qing almost spit out the wine in his mouth. He swallowed it and then said with some fake anger: "Damn it, I really want to beat you."
I laughed. Yeah, I just like to see Yu Qing's expression when he breaks his guard.
Yu Qing took out a wedding invitation wrapped in red brocade leather from his pocket. I took it, held it in my hand and looked at it carefully. I was a little confused. If I could get along with Gu Wei came to the end, maybe my wedding invitation will look like this too.
Yu Qing put his hand on my shoulder and said with a smile: "Xiang Yang, remember to come. If you don't come, this wedding will be boring."
Me He smiled, said nothing, and silently put the invitation into the inner pocket of his clothes.
I looked at the date displayed on my phone and said jokingly: "Yu Qing, when are you getting married? I think you can choose a good day, June 6th, June 6th is a good day, picture It's auspicious."
Yu Qing nodded with a smile.
"You have your heart set."
"Damn it, when have I never made people worry?"
I'm a little angry, this is wine Angry.
Yu Qing knocked on the table and said, "You are so decadent now, so you won't let me worry about it."
"Bah, why am I so decadent? Brother, live a good life. At best, it's just muddling through, at best, it's freedom."
Yu Qing sighed softly when he heard what I said.
I lowered my head to look at the wine glass, and both of us fell into silence for a while. I imagined my future benefits and development, Gu Wei returned to China, reunited with me, and we had a vigorous love affair in Shanghai. HimselfWe jumped on our backs, we sang together by the river in Pudong District, we went to Century Park together, we... together...
Now I am not satisfied, I rot these fantasies in my memories , when the memories are rotten, it will be my responsibility.
Yu Qing sighed and said: "Xiang Yang, it's been two years since you came to Shanghai. Don't be decadent because of Gu Wei. It's time to face the front, face life, and abandon you. That idealism is proved by practical actions. I want you to be beautiful and brave, regardless of hardships."
This chapter is not finished, click on the next page to continue reading.
I smiled and continued what Yu Qing said: "Look forward? I can't. I still have things I miss. I can't leave yet. As for you, you are a success. I have a stable job and a mother-in-law who likes me. You are not satisfied yet? You want to take care of me?"
I felt particularly uncomfortable when Yu Qing mentioned Gu Wei. It's an indescribable pain that lingers and never goes away, not even with alcohol or cigarettes. This can be regarded as exposing my scar.
"No, this is not what you think. I really can't bear to see you continue to be decadent. I want to see you again. You drink and smoke all day long. Your life is getting more and more useless. "
Yu Qing drank the wine in his glass and looked up at the singing stage. The band that was going to sing was arranging their instruments and preparing for the next performance. The neon lights on the ceiling made me a little depressed. I couldn't wait to go on stage and sing a few songs to relieve my depression. I felt like I was sitting on pins and needles and couldn't sit still.
So I lowered my head, looked at the less than a quarter of the wine remaining in the glass, and emptied my mind without thinking about anything.
Yu Qing looked at me, hesitated to speak, and pondered for a long time before saying: "Brother, I'll treat you to dinner tomorrow, and together with Cheng Cheng, the three of us will get together. I have something to talk to you about then. Tell me."
"Can't you tell me now?"
Yu Qing shook his head, took off the cigarette from his ear, borrowed my lighter, lit the cigarette, and started to smoke. fog.
"Didn't you say that you can't smoke under Cheng Cheng's supervision?"
Yu Qing smiled and said a simple and clear sentence, "Never mind her."
p>
I nodded and said: "Yes, there is nothing that can control us two. Even if the heavenly King Lao tzu comes, he still has to show the white feather."
Yu Qing laughed, patted my back and said, "Don't use your lame English pronunciation to say to me, brother read the book, can not fool."
Yu Qing and I looked at each other. A smile, just this night, my heart is empty, and don’t care much anymore.
Chen Zhen, who was on the singing stage, adjusted the electric guitar in his hand and shouted to me: "Xiangyang, come up and show your hands? I will be your companion."
Yu Qing took the photo He patted me and said softly: "Don't get high too late, you still have work tomorrow."
I nodded in acquiescence.
Chen Zhen is the lead singer of this bar’s resident singing band. I hang out in this bar all year round. He and I both have the same music hobby, which also makes the two of us become friends. I sometimes He was drunk and crazy, so he went up to show his hands and sang nonsense with him.
This time I took advantage of the alcohol and stood up from the rotating stool, walked straight towards the singing stage, lit a cigarette and cheered up.
"Okay, Old Chen, have you tuned the sound for me?"
Chen Zhen nodded, "It has been tuned a long time ago."
He turned on the The guitar was handed to me on stage, and he took the guitar from a band member next to me. Standing next to me, I hung the electric guitar around my neck and took a deep breath of cigarette. Suddenly a song came to my mind, and I put the cigarette in my mouth twice. I clamped it with my fingers, took it off, raised my head, and slowly exhaled a cloud of smoke. The neon lights shined in my eyes through the smoke. I lowered my head and shouted: "Tuner, please play "Broader Sea and Sky" by Huang Jiaju! ”
This night is destined to be extraordinary, because I seem to have regained some of my lost talents.
The tuner nodded and the rhythm started. I studied in Guangdong, and my Cantonese is not bad, but it is also a bit impure, but I can sing this song "Broad Sea and Sky" more than enough.
"Today I watched the snow drifting by in the cold night. I drifted far away with a cold heart. I chased in the wind and rain and couldn't tell the traces in the fog. The sky is vast and the sea is vast. You and I will be different. Who is not here? Change, how many times have I faced cold looks and ridicule... Forgive me for my unrestrained love of freedom in this life, but I will also be afraid that one day I will fall oh no, anyone can abandon their ideals, how can I be afraid that one day it will be just you and me? ·······”
I think this song is very suitable. There are two things in life that cannot be laughed at: one is one’s background, and the other is one’s dream!
I have my own dream, but I have stopped moving forward. It is always just a moon hanging in a cradle. It can be seen and touched, but as babies, we have short hands and can never touch it.
After I finished singing, I threw the electric guitar to Chen Zhen beside me. I lit a cigarette and hurriedly walked outside the bar, even though I knew that when I sang "Broad Sea and Sky", Yu Qing has already left, but I am avoiding the tears that are about to burst out. I miss Gu Wei. In the past two years, I have not missed her all the time, and her words that are full of words that make people move forward after hearing them. I missed her charming hair, her gentleness, I missed her, I missed her, I missed her...
I was walking on the way home, the temperature was slightly cooler, and I looked at I looked at my watch. It was eleven o'clock sharp. I felt sleepy. There were no night buses anymore. I was walking on the way home.The originally dark sky was illuminated by the neon lights emitted by the high-rise buildings in Shanghai, leaving this sad me with nowhere to hide.
I sighed, lamenting that this life was as shitty as shit. I hated and hated myself for not being able to get out of Gu Wei’s shadow. Why was this happening? I don’t know, I drank too much tonight, and under the influence of alcohol anesthesia, my memories became more and more clear. I could only use the passage of time to get through this fucking night.
I was leaning on a bench in a quiet corner on the street, suffering from pain. I looked up at the tall buildings on the opposite road. The lights were turned on on each floor. If it were placed I thought it was incredible a few decades ago, but once you get used to it, there is no novelty. Once you get used to it, there is no fuss. But... I am not used to the days after Gu Wei broke up with me. We have loved each other long enough. Doesn’t it hurt more after separation? I still care about you in my heart, like a scar that cannot be healed, aching.
After an unknown amount of time, the alcohol's stamina had almost dissipated. I slowly stood up and looked at the time, twelve o'clock.
I stretched out my hand to stop a taxi. After announcing my destination, I leaned against the window of the back seat and looked at the night scene going backwards. I was in a daze. I didn’t know what I was thinking. It was just pure. I feel like it feels so good to empty my mind and not have to think about anything.
But a phone call broke the tranquility of the night. I was stunned and thought carefully about who would call so late at night. When the phone was about to ring, I answered the call. It was an unknown person. Number.
"Yan Xiangyang, it's me, Chu Yue."
The voice on the other end of the phone was a little weak and choked, as if I had just cried. I was stunned for a moment, then I recall that Chu Yue was a pretty girl I met in Duxing Bar two months ago. I just remember that we were both drunk at that time.
"Do you have a problem with me at this late hour?"
"Well, can you come to Shanghai No. 1 Maternal and Infant Health Hospital?"
I suddenly had a bad premonition, so I asked the taxi driver to change the destination and go straight to the health center...